Lin's Journal
by diasuta-deactivated
Summary: A no-longer-so-brief but still angsty journal-formatted story about Haine Lin, who is apparently so invisible she is not on the characters list orz Rated T for mild language and mild shoujou-ai. LinxRin and others, pretty much crack pairings.
1. Saturday

Lin's Journal  
8-28-10

Saturday

Three thirty-ish

Rin went to a concert today. We texted for a while, but I think she lost signal again. It depresses me how she seems to like every guy Vocaloid around her... First it was Kaito, and he made her cry- I'm still mad at him for that one- and now it's Len. I'm jealous. I can't help that I am, but I'm so jealous. I feel like crying. Sometimes I feel like... I should be a boy. I know it wouldn't help to get surgery, because I'd only be a freak. But I should be a boy. I'd rather be Ren. I want a do-over at my screwed-up life. I was doing so well with this- It had been months since my last fit of depression... But now I've had four- it's four, right?- in two weeks. One week? It's been way too short. I'll just keep writing in my journal, deluding myself into thinking that somebody actually likes me and understands me. Both of them, at the same time. Honestly, I don't think anyone understands me, and I don't think anyone ever will. I'm the one who wishes she were crazy so she can justify herself. I think that might be a pretty unique characteristic. Maybe that's just it. But still... I want Rin to like me. _Me._ I haven't even told any other Vocaloids yet. When we have those joking conversations about who's straight and who isn't, I get quiet. Oh sure, I can hide my depression real easily. I'm a wonderful actress; I can play the part of myself without anyone suspecting. Sometimes I wish someone would. I wish someone would at least try to help me. If you leave it to me, I'll dig myself in deeper. I'm my own worst enemy. Please, somebody, anybody, read this. It's private. Read it. I can't tell anyone about how I feel, because... from a different perspective, it all just seems so superficial.

Oh, you were depressed because they went off somewhere and left you out? Ha ha ha.

Dell, who would normally be my next choice to run to... he really wouldn't understand. He's never ignored. He's the one who ignores other people. Ren doesn't have even a sliver of a hope of understanding, because when he's ignored, he gets pissed. I wish I could just be angry, but I can't. I can only wallow in self-pity and drown in depression. I hate being invisible. I hate that Rin will never like me. I hate that I want to cry. I hate that I can't cry. I hate that every time I see or hear those words- "I miss Lenny"- it makes my chest ache. I can't stand being depressive. I just want to kick myself and yell at me to stop being such a pussy. But if I even think about doing that, the depression sinks in further.

Sometimes I do feel like everything would be better if I wasn't around.

I just want to run and hide, run and hide. School is coming up, so I can't run and hide from my real-life friends any more. I can run and hide from Rin though. "Oh, I have homework"- that'll be the stupid line I'll use. I'll stay away from her all the time, maybe even just plain lock myself in my room. And I know it won't do a shred of good. The way my mind works is sabotage- if I'm all alone, I'll only have my own problems to deal with. I won't have to get any kind of bad news... like maybe if Len and Rin... started... I wince at the thought of it. Part of my mind wants to make me feel better, and that part shrinks a little every time this happens. Seriously, what am I doing? it says. Why am I doing all this? Is acting like this really going to make anything better? No, it won't. But I can't help it, the rest of me feebly thinks in response. I wish I could help it. This is how I am.

Is it? I hate myself for not being able to help myself. I'm too strong to be constantly made weak like this. I'm a man at heart, and that's the part of myself that I accept most. This weak girl inside me who gets depressed, the one who has feelings so volatile that they threaten to explode- make her go away. Make the real me go away. Leave behind only my strength. Leave behind the me that was never supposed to be. Leave behind the me that doesn't make mistakes, the me that everyone sees, the hollow shell that shields me from hurt.

I see it now, dammit. I see that my whole personality is fake. The girl in class is the real me, the quiet one who quietly does her work and writes and draws, but never speaks. The one who it almost seems _can't_ speak. The me who fell in love once is fake. The real me is the one falling now. The one who can't control herself. The one who runs and hides. I want to need help. Do I need help? I need help. I want to need help, because I want help. What kind of help could anyone ever offer me?

Just someone help me. It's ironic- the closest friend I have is now Rin, and there's no way she could help me with this problem. I could pass it off as a protective instinct if I tried, but then I'd be lying about myself again and I think I've done enough of that. I need someone quickly... someone who I can spill out everything to. Someone who I can confide in that isn't a blank piece of paper. Someone living, breathing, caring.

Dammit, I get too happy when she gets upset that I won't answer her messages.

I wish I didn't know myself so well.

* * *

**Angst, angst and more angst from the mind of yours truly. orz This time Haine Lin is representing "me". She's based off Rin, so the pairing kind of makes sense.  
**

**I actually wrote this to vent out some actual feelings that I have. I changed a few words and replaced the names. Enjoy more of my wonderful depression writing.**


	2. Monday

Lin's Journal  
8-30-10

Monday

Ten-ish

It's too early to be writing in my journal yet, but I have to say this-  
I feel so helplessly giddy over how mad Rin is at me. If she locked herself in her room because of me- though that does make me feel slightly guilty- then that means she must really be jealous of Dell. And Asa, my dear bunny rabbit Asa, was witness to the whole thing. Not that she could ever testify anything.

Some of Haku's friends went missing yesterday. I can't help but start to worry about my friends here. What would I do if they went missing? Would I cry? Would I even care? I should stop thinking about this.

Ten thirty-ish  
Okay, now I feel really bad. Rin's still in her room, and I'm too scared to try and say anything to her. I feel like a jerk for making her so mad at me... if she's really mad at me. Oh great, now I'm getting depressed again... if only Rin could see how much she affects me. If only she saw how she plays with my emotions. While I'm on the if onlys... if only I could tell her how I feel. I'm too afraid that she'll... I dunno... She'd probably reject me, and I can pretend I'm prepared for that, but maybe I'm scared that she'll be... surprised. Maybe I'm scared that she'd be scared of me. I definitely couldn't stand her hating me, but I don't think that would happen... Rin's too nice for that.

Nine thirty-ish  
Rin is mad at me for getting closer to Dell... and I think I'm starting to really like him, too. Is that hope I feel swelling in my chest? Happiness? It's a good feeling. Too bad that Dell probably wouldn't like me either... but at least he's not falling for every girl around.

Maybe I'm being just as bad. Maybe I'm just using Dell as an excuse to try and get over Rin. In the end we did talk again, though, so that's good. I guess it's really not that big of a crush yet, because I never think about it too much when I actually talk to her. Agh, now I'm getting tired. I guess it's because I didn't get much sleep last night. If I'm tired this early, I should be up bright and early for that dumb orientation tomorrow. Eight o' clock, jeez... Well, I think today went pretty nicely. Mostly. Nothing went horribly wrong and I didn't get horribly depressed, so today was definitely a good day. Today was a good day, and I'm too disoriented by lack of sleep to write any more. Zzz...

* * *

**Hope _is_ a nice feeling. ;w;**

**I just realized that I put down the year as 08 the first time I wrote this. I guess I really was tired orz  
**


	3. Tuesday

Lin's Journal  
8-31-10

Tuesday

Five-ish

I had that orientation today. First, mom woke me up at _seven_. I hate being woken up, that's what alarm clocks are for! Then after a very painful morning, we went and sat in the auditorium for ten minutes, listening to people talk. The worst part is, that wasn't even the worst part.

After that, we got split up into groups by name, which meant that I couldn't stay and talk with Guma almost the whole time. We were dragged all around the school and up and down countless sets of stairs, and that's _still_ not the worst part.

_Finally_, after _all that_, I had to stand in line for almost an _hour, _with nothing to do but stand around holding my books. All five of them, since I'm taking French as well as regular classes. I'm just glad Fruscia and Hakuo were there, or I would have fallen asleep right there. We stood around and talked for a while about nothing in particular. After about fifteen minutes I gave up and sat on my books.

After the orientation was over, I sat by my computer and moved nothing except my fingers, which weren't as tired as every other part of my body. Plus, I needed to type. I did nothing in particular for a while, talking to Rin and Len over Skype and messing around on the Internet to try and entertain myself. This isn't important, but I also had some really salty popcorn a little while ago. My lips still burn from it!

Ugh, I'm yawning already. I didn't get much sleep last night, for... various reasons. My walls need to be thicker... and more soundproof. And I have to get up early _again_ tomorrow to go to the dentist's office! These are my last days of summer before school starts, dammit! I don't want to be dragged around and I don't want to be woken up!

* * *

**Less angst, more teenage rebellion. Fight the power! *fist pumps***

**OTL So yes, this was short (the shortest chapter so far and the shortest thing I have uploaded as of yet), but I really am tired and sleep-deprived. I also know I'm neglecting my other stories, but I pretty much have writer's block for both of them. I have this dumb habit of writing myself into a corner orz  
**


	4. Thursday

Lin's Journal

9-2-10

Thursday

Three-ish

The Internet just went out on me, so I thought I'd write.

There was a power surge or something that messed up half the stuff in the house. Like the lights work, but I'm not too sure about the fridge and freezer and there is definitely something wrong with the TV. I turn it on and either get a blue screen with basic cable or that annoying "This channel should be available shortly" thing with the expanded. I think I'll just play Touhou and wait it out.

Four-ish

It's over. The cable came back on a while ago and so did my Internet. I just don't feel like talking, though. When we were in iScribble earlier, Kaito kept erasing all my drawings- a few of Rin's, too- and drawing in his own stupid stuff, that really frustrated me. I'm tired of dick jokes, and they're really not funny when you squash my already-tiny ego to make them. Now everyone left iScribble and there's no point in being there, but I still want to be there. I just want to draw random stuff with Rin in a private room with no jackasses allowed.

Now they're all on Skype and having fun. Maybe the storm affected my mood more than I thought. I assume they're all laughing and cracking jokes in the call my computer is too slow to let me be in, because in the chat there seem to be a lot of sex jokes. Why am I always the serious one? If that power surge or whatever it was had never happened, I'd probably be laughing along.

Whatever, I don't care. I have other ways to distract myself.

...I bet Rin was the only one who noticed I was gone...

* * *

**ACK. I WAS GOING TO SUBMIT THIS THE DAY I WROTE IT BUT THEN STUFF HAPPENED AND-  
*runs in circles like the moron she is***

**Anyways, I double uploaded to make it up to anyone who cares, since I wrote another chapter today and remembered about this one at the same time. ;x;  
**


	5. Wednesday

Lin's Journal

9-15-10

Wednesday

Eight-ish

I haven't written in a really long time. Maybe I just haven't needed to. School started, and it's pretty effective at eating up all my writing time and taking my mind off things.

Just now, everyone was talking about love... like... dating... and it got to me.

I feel so guilty about what I did to Mikuo, but it could never work. It wasn't working. He's too good for me, regardless of what he thinks of it. Urgh, I need to stop thinking of this. Stupid heartbreak. It's worse when he calls the house every other night, and my mom doesn't answer the phone anymore because I told her not to, and...

I feel like a bitch. Why am I listening to sad songs? Agh!

... it was when Hakuo said he broke up with Dell. Because their dating was "unfeeling". That just drove the knife in a little deeper. He always loved me more than I loved him. It kind of reminds me- Kaito just mentioned Rolling Girl and how it's such a sad song. At least, I think it's Rolling Girl he's talking about. Maybe my life kind of fits into that song. I'll keep rolling for you, I'll keep hurting myself because I love you... But again, it's wrong. I don't even know why I'm so scared of talking to him, and I know myself pretty well- maybe a bit better than some other people would know themselves.

Now I'm thinking about it again. Rin. I like her, a lot, but it's not love. Could it ever be love? She's straight, though, and she has someone else she likes. Even if she would ever like me back, it could probably never... agh, I shouldn't be thinking this. It helps to write about it, though. I know nobody's listening, but... it's _almost_ like I'm telling someone. Maybe journals really are good therapy or whatever. I know I needed this a lot. I don't feel like talking to anyone any more... so it helps to have this. I'll never get tired of talking to a book, and I'll never get fed up with it. It'll never ignore me or cut of my words. It'll never destroy anything I make.

Ana cheered me up by accident. Maybe I should like her instead.

Stupid hormones.

* * *

**Don't you just hate getting interrupted? I'm hypersensitive about it. ;x; I want to take pride in things I do, but that's hard when people ignore them or totally mess them up.**

**I blame low self-esteem. ;x;  
**


	6. Tuesday :9:21:

Lin's Journal  
9-21-10

Tuesday

Eight-ish

Today I think I might've had a fateful encounter. It sounds ridiculous trying to explain it, but keep in mind that I'm not right in the head when it comes to crazy stuff like this... anyways, I was walking through the halls in between second and third period, carrying my giant stack of books like always. As I stared at the ground, I noticed something about the girl in front of me- she was wearing fishnets! Not only that, but she was wearing what looked like a dress, and _big black boots!_ It might've just been a skirt and top, but she definitely wore it well. Well, that sure caught my attention. I followed her for a while- not because I'm a stalker (though I sure feel like one when I explain it...) - but because she was _oh so conveniently_ headed in the same direction as my class. I passed the classroom without a second thought and followed her down the next hallway- that's where my locker is, and I was getting pretty high hopes- only to just barely catch her turning into the bathroom. Well, I did catch a glimpse of her face... I swear, she looks like an angel, and she wears glasses, too! She has long red-orange hair- and light-colored, not too bright though- and I swear... if I see her tomorrow, then my lucky buckeye really is charmed. I'll probably "stalk" her for a little while... just to find out what her third period is. Maybe her locker number. But only until I work up the nerve to talk to her! Really, I'm more worried that I'm setting my expectations way too high. What if she's mean? What if she asks why I'm talking to her and I don't have an answer? Ugh, I'm gonna need backup... I might drag Hakuo along... but probably Ana. No, wait, her class is probably too far away... maybe... Ren..?

Augh, I'm over-thinking things again. Maybe I'll never see her again my whole entire life. Maybe I will, but maybe I won't. I need rock-bottom expectations for worst-case scenarios. Low expectations never fail anyone. _No_ expectations would be even better, but I can't help but hope. Best-case scenario, I get a girlfriend... next-best, I get a new friend... after that, I get a new... erm, acquaintance I guess... Worst case, she's totally mean and is just another bitch with a pretty face. Ugh... I'm sighing right now, can you see that, journal? I... don't want her to be just a bitch with a pretty face. She's _too pretty_ for that. I just... I want to be close to her already. Damn you, heart. Damn you, hormones.

DAMN YOU, HIGH SCHOOL.

In other news, I am either cursed or blessed, and it's kind of hard to tell which. Today I almost got run over by a train, then was almost late for school when I _almost_ didn't see another slow train that was barely moving. Ana was with me like always, and she took the hint when I kept running. Running isn't her strong point, but we at least made it in time.

It was Dell's birthday today, too. We had delicious cake after school and blew bubbles. I think I still have a half-empty bottle in my pocket. Oh, and I screwed up my ankle at stage crew yesterday, apparently. Running around hallways with heavy books and pounding up and down stairs all day didn't help. I think I'll just carry around my bag tomorrow. It'll spare my sore wrist some more aches and keep my strength for the _next_ stage crew meeting- which is of course after school tomorrow. At least I'll be kind of prepared this time. Maybe I'll bring gloves so my hands don't get rubbed raw again.

I also have a cold. Unfortunately, this means I sound _exactly like Ren_ 24/7 until I get better. Not that you can hear it or anything, but I know I hate it. I'm going to have to either speak in falsetto or sound really nasally all the time, and I hate using a high voice... Well, I'm tired, and I just realized that it's past ten and that's why I'm yawning and rubbing my eyes so much.

(geez, how did I take two and a half hours writing that?)

* * *

**Well, I'm starting to really get back into writing this.**

**This is yesterday's page, but I never have time to upload the day I write something orz...**


	7. Thursday :9:23:

Lin's Journal  
9-23-10

Thursday

Eight thirty-ish

I OFFICIALLY HATE BEING A GIRL.

Doing anything bold makes my face turn completely red.

Confrontation makes me cry.

AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO TO CHANGE _**EITHER **_OF THOSE!

I've tried! It's useless! Why won't the universe just let me be who I want to be? These stupid reflexes aren't like me at all! I hate them! Maybe I really should just die, so my stupid body doesn't keep betraying me! I hate being shy and most of all I hate, hate, _hate_ being **WEAK! **I don't want to be a stereotypical girl who bursts into tears when you yell at her, but somehow I still am! I don't want to be a stereotypical girl who can't do anything bold or go up in front of people without turning completely red, BUT I AM!

Speaking of the universe, I didn't even get to see her today! Her name's Carrie or Connie, I'm starting to get it mixed up... so I guess this is what happens on days I don't carry my lucky buckeye, huh? NICE TO KNOW. FUCK YOU TOO, UNIVERSE.

I just want to sleep so I don't have to deal with this shit. Maybe I will. Maybe I'm just being an irritable bitch because I'm sleep-deprived. MAYBE it doesn't matter! My mom keeps telling me that I never finish anything, do you know how insulting that is? Oh, and this morning I needed a ride to school. I accidentally left her lunch out last night-

ONE LITTLE MISTAKE, and it's all "You never do anything right!" again! What kind of mother do I have! Am I being overly sensitive, or is it _just a little wrong _that my parents insult me to my face? Ugh... and I was _so happy_ before she came in my room, too. I was reading a fanfiction, mixing my fifty-subscriber special mashup, and ladidah, ladidooh...

I hate the universe.

I hate the universe, I hate high school, I hate being a girl, and, wait for the classic angsty teen line...

I hate my life. Doesn't everybody?

Nine-ish  
Geez, I guess I really get upset when I'm upset... I can see the all the words from my rant clearly on the next page. Sorry, journal.

I feel a bit obliged to explain everything that's happened since yesterday, since there's been a lot... Plus, I guess I just kind of don't want to forget all this. I can look back at all the embarrassing things I wrote as a teen when I'm thirty-five and roll my eyes.

It turns out my current dream girl is in the anime club, which meets on Wednesdays. Unfortunately, she's a junior, which is sad. Two years older is a bit of an unattainable goal. I wish I was the lucky guy in one of those mangas, the ones that are almost hentai but just wind up being a bunch of fanservice in the end. How he always somehow ends up with the girl, regardless of whether she was gay or not (for the sake of fanservice, of course) in the beginning. Yeah, that guy.

Can we have a luck transplant, please?

My eyelids feel cold. Stupid tears, leaving their goo behind when I never wanted them in the first place. It's still true that I hate being a sissy, though. Being a sissy is the worst. Imagine being a guy, yet every time you do something that pisses someone off-

THIS HUGE, BRIGHT RED BLUSH APPEARS ON YOUR FACE, AND IT DOESN'T GO AWAY FOR FIVE MINUTES, MAYBE FIFTEEN, AND NOW EVERYONE'S LAUGHING AT YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE BLUSHING.

I'd assume any guy with my problem would want to go die in a hole somewhere, too. But _oh nooo. _Girls are _supposed_ to blush.

Bullshit, if you ask me.

Don't ask me, though. I'm horribly biased. Am I a feminist? Maybe.

Am I too much of a feminist? Probably. After all, most of America shuns feminism- considering sexism was in a way another building block of our nation, I don't blame them too much. I'll just match their stubbornness. Maybe I'm even just a bit more stubborn. I know I'm pretty pig-headed.

Maybe I'm a feminist because I believe that a man and a woman (or a boy and a girl I guess) can be non-romantic friends. Anything girls can do together for fun is automatically a date when you do it alone with a guy.

I went to a cheap restaurant with Hakuo yesterday for dinner before crew, and that ass from fourth period, the one who got held back twice, he asked if we were dating.

Then he asked Hakuo if he would bone me... ugh. I really hate him. Sexist bastard.

I really enjoy using that word, "bastard".

After that, at crew, we got to do demolition, which was not as fun as it sounds. It was hard work, but hard work is my thing when I'm there. I learned to enjoy the art of ripping nails out of wood with a hammer. Heck, I think I might've actually been the one who raised it to an art in the first place. I have it down to a science.

I also was on dustpan duty for pretty much all of cleanup. I even got some praise from Zatsune, who said I was the only freshman who was working every time she saw me. Then that Hagane Kaito guy, whatever his last name is, complained when she put down the other freshmen- and him, since he was standing with them- since he's a sophomore, and I remember her retort exactly.

"But I'm not a freshman-"

"Then stop acting like one."

It was so cool. I guess that's it for everything from the past two days, but I really should've written yesterday, especially since I knew _her_ name perfectly then and am slowly forgetting it now...

* * *

**Lin, you said it. I really do need to write more often ;x;  
**

**I keep forgetting what happens orz. Since my life / writing abilities are picking up again, I'll probably be writing a lot more because *cough* I can avoid my homework when I do.**

**I'll try not to become a high school dropout. lllOTL  
**


	8. Friday :10:15:

Lin's Journal  
10-15-10  
Friday

Seven thirty-ish

I seriously... don't even know anymore.

What kind of line is that? Urgh, I'm trying my best not to sound like a stereotypical angsty teenager, but I just am. I know all my faults though, which might be why I try and see myself as being a little different.

I'm self-centered and selfish. I'm lazy and I force my problems on anyone who listens, which is probably why most people don't listen and why I have this wonderful façade of cheerfulness. I can't accept help because it makes me feel weak. In relation to that, I hate feeling weak or helpless. Remember my "I hate being a girl" rant? Yeah. That. I'm well-acquainted with denial and know what most people would deem "way too much for my age". And I have that guilty conscience. I'm young and stupid with several thousand delusions about "like" and "love". I can't stand it when people talk down to me, but that has to do with my pride and stereotypicality.

I honestly hate when people peg me as a stereotypical teenager, even if I am. Maybe I imagine all my problems so I can pretend not to be one. Delusions of grandeur on a less grandiose scale. My only delusion is that I'm not normal. I hate being normal. I despise being predictable.

Eight-thirty-ish

Ah, writing really helps me relax. Maybe it's better for me to write something not angsty in here.

I'm still kind of mad at Miki, though. After all, she made me feel all guilty. It's hard to complain about your own problems when somebody else has far worse ones and lectures you for it (Am I a compulsive complainer? Probably.). Of course, with my guilty conscience and hatred of my own weakness, guilt always seems to turn into depression or rage.

Let's change the subject. Drama CDs help my issues. Just hearing other people talking and not knowing I'm there or expecting me to answer... the friendly voices help, I guess.

In other news, I have foot fungus now. It's horrible. My mother gave me some stuff to put on it a while ago, and I've basically been peeling some old skin off every time my feet are bare. It's so gross- the last piece I pulled off almost was barely attached at all, and it was all greasy and distorted... I don't have the vocabulary to describe it in all its gloriously retch-inducing slime and stink.

Also... today I went to the library. All through the school day I called it "Operation Library or Bust". Of course, I stole my computer (since _mother_ takes it to work with her every day) and I wanted to stay there longer, but... I forgot that the library closes at five. I wandered around the city for an hour and considered staying over at Zatsune's, but I don't have the guts for that. We haven't talked in a while and I'm kind of terrified of what I could be talked into doing over there. So instead, I went home and got lectured at. Of course, I'm gonna be grounded the whole weekend. I saw this coming yesterday when I started scheming, so I guess I can't complain. It doesn't even seem like I "taught her a lesson" about talking down to me. Of course, it's totally impossible to say what I want to to her, but I don't have the heart to tell her that. "You can tell me anything" does not apply here, because I never really have the guts to say what I want to. I have that blush reflex and I'm constantly gulping down that stupid lump in the back of my throat so I don't cry- you try being taken seriously when your face is red and you're on the verge of tears! If I do cry, I can maybe get a few pity points, but I can still never _really_ say what I need to.

Hence, you exist. Be glad my parents don't get me, Journal. You'd just be an abandoned book if they did. 

* * *

**Shortness, yay. orz**

**Foot fungus is not as fun to have as it is to say.**** Anyway, you heard the girl, I'm grounded. ._.**

**Miki has her own major problems in my world, which is why she talks down to Lin when she starts complaining. You try being a robot (not to mention her wardrobe)! It's not easy! Also, Zatsune is so much of a badass that Lin is scared of her. The "horrible things Lin could be talked into doing" part is also part of that emo-Miki universe story. X'D Maybe I'll put it up as a fic once it's finished.  
**


	9. Monday :10:25:

Lin's Journal  
10-25-10  
Monday

Six-ish

I didn't go to crew today. I guess that's not the first thing I should be writing, but I'm just noticing it now. I'm kind of glad I didn't, I guess.

Len... is a mess. Dell... I just don't know what to think of him any more. He doesn't like people to care for him. Len cares. Len can't help but care, therefore Dell doesn't like him... I can't explain it. All I know is that I'm really worried about him. My mind keeps telling me to tell him that and I don't know why. All I can think is how he'll take it wrong. "I worry about you" = "you're pathetic and I feel sorry for you," and that's not true. "I care about you" = "I have romantic feelings for you," and I'm pretty sure that's not true either.

I've got a bad case of heartache, and don't you dare interpret that the wrong way. Maybe I need more than just a book to tell all my issues to. I just want someone to sit there and convince me they're listening, someone who won't jump to conclusions, because it's hard to be told of a girl worrying incessantly and having imagined chest pains without making the most obvious (and wrong) assumption.

I just worry! I want to be the one he can come to, but maybe that's the problem! And if that's the problem, then the solution is just another problem! After all, look at me, ranting to my book! I don't think he's the type who can write everything down then feel better about it.

I tried putting myself in their shoes once. I couldn't do it. I can't help because I have no experience with real romance / relationships / love issues, I can't _not_ help because I care too much too, and I can't stop worrying and fretting. I want to fix this. I know that I can't, but I want to. I wish I could fix this. I wish I could fix this more than I've ever wished anything before. I just want my friend... and that other guy I know to both be happy. I don't care if the universe doesn't want them to, _I_ want them to.

Shouldn't that count for something?

I guess I could try talking to Dell, but he'd probably get mad at me. Plus, I think that would be a major betrayal to Len. Finally... I have no idea how to talk to the guy. I have even less idea how to bring that up.

How can I say anything without sounding corny, nosy, whiny, or making things awkward? Good question. Though I suppose the whole making-things-awkward point is a minor issue, Dell probably wouldn't talk to me ever again if I did that. I don't know. I don't know him that well.

Well, I feel a bit better after ranting a bit. Now I've got this crackpot idea... Maybe Dell is only a workaholic (like he seems to be becoming) to keep his mind off his own problems.

Maybe they're both running away from their own problems, and that's why they're running away from each other..?

Agh, a whole journal entry that wasn't about me. Maybe I'm getting less selfish. I think that's good.


	10. Sunday :Halloween:

Lin's Journal  
Halloween

Sunday

Seven-ish

Today... has really not been the best day. It doesn't feel like a holiday at all, just another day where my parents are yelling at me for lazing around and not doing anything. Yeah, that's right- I chose to sit at home holed up in my room and whine to my book instead of go out and trick-or-treat. It's not that I think I'm too old... it's just that today seems kind of dead to me... and really, I guess I could say I've been having a bad day. I dunno, almost as bad as a whole day with my parents gets...? Agh. Kaito and Miku are apparently having some kind of fight over a chorus or a duet or something... and he quit one of the choruses we were going to sing in together. I'm not sure if that's because of that other thing... but if it is, I will find a way to meet him in person and slap him across the face. I should've known better than to start feeling at ease around him just because he's being nice-ish to Len again. He's a jerk, he always has been. There's friction between us, and I know he doesn't care about it, but he rubs me the wrong way. Constantly. ALL THE FREAKING TIME.

Urgh. I should stop sighing. I feel so pathetic. Maybe I'm just being childish, but I don't care. I don't want to do anything. I was about to sing something for Halloween, maybe write something, maybe I was about to... but all my motivation is just gone. It feels like someone's twisting my heart inside my chest; maybe I should a doctor about that. Or a psychiatrist. After all, I have no idea why I'm feeling like this. My one relationship is over. Love is dead to me. Romance is for romantics. I gave that up when I decided that I didn't want to be stereotypical any longer. Sure, sometimes I have my fun little illusions about "love" and "like"... but they're nothing serious.

I believe I was truly in love once. That lasted about five seconds- maybe, probably, most likely the happiest five seconds of my life. Then it was back to an illusion the next day. Maybe that was about when I developed my phobia of healthy communication.

Agh. Maybe all this relationship junk and drama just makes me miss him. I just miss him, is all. Urgh... I can't even bear to just write his name any more.

Nope. No. No more talk of this... write... of this. Oooh, sad song time. I think I can safely say this is the worst Halloween I've ever had. I don't recall trick-or-treating only lasting from five to seven thirty before. I mean, really? It only barely gets dark, and it starts way too early in my opinion.

I still have a cold of sorts. I stayed the night at Zatsune's and she smoked the whole damn time- and _of course_ I just _had _sing for her new boyfriend because my voice is _so pretty and moe~!_ So now my throat is horribly sore and my nose is completely stuffed up... again. And of course, THE EXACT DAY I GOT OVER MY COLD FROM BEFORE. It hurts when I talk and sing, but like the idiot I am, I keep doing it. And now I have a sinus headache, too. Augh.

In closing, today I got new curtains. They're blue and fairly ugly.

* * *

**Anyone else ever had a day like that? Nothing goes too wrong, but nothing goes quite right either..?**

**Agh. Maybe I'm just out of it because I didn't sleep well. orz**

**Anyway, uh... ten chapters! Yay..? X'D Honestly, I don't think this will ever really end.  
**


	11. Tuesday :1:26:

Lin's Journal  
1-25-11

Tuesday

Eleven-ish

I... haven't had a moment in a long time but this... is definitely one to be reckoned with.

I think my soul has been slowly flattening out over the past few weeks. They've been so draining and stressful and crushing and horrible. I feel as though the life's being sucked out of me.

I'd say I couldn't bring myself to smile, but if you could see the grin on my face at the... I'd like to say _predictability_ of this whole situation. I hate this smile. It's broken, it's a horrible smile.

I just... what am I doing? I think I may have lost all respect for myself in just a moment. What the hell am I doing? Who do I think I am? What gives me the right to do anything that I do? Pretending that I'm an adult, getting in way over my head in things I shouldn't even know about... what the hell am I doing?

Ah, maybe this is why I like playing fool. If I'm an ignorant, happy little girl, everyone will like me and be nice to me and nobody will hurt me because I'll be ignorant and foolish. Who would like someone like this, a bitter girl who hates herself and everyone and everything..? Ah, it hurts, but just a little. Maybe I'm getting used to this, in a way.

Getting used to mental breakdowns? Yes, isn't that wonderful?

And funny, how these always seem to happen late at night or when I'm alone. I'm too crazy when left to my own devices. I hate my mind. Maybe I'm twisted, maybe I'm not. Either way, I guess I couldn't really bring myself to care. No... I can, and I do, but I shouldn't.

It's a horrible thing for my health.

Love... love is worthless too. Together again, apart again... none of it amounts to anything. None of this amounts to anything either. Nobody will read this until my paranoia takes physical form and becomes the ultimate snoop.

I try and deter trackers on the way home ever since I started walking along railroad tracks. I write it off as a silly game, but there must be some dark corner of my mind that actually believes in it as a cautionary measure. _Oh, it doesn't matter if I nearly get run over by cars as long as **they** can't find me_. Paranoia is a horrible thing to live with.

It's no ghostly voice in my head, just a constant thought of people picking through my things, uncovering all the "dark secrets" that I only label so jokingly... They are dark and secret things, though. They're like... a part of me. There are things that make no sense to an outsider, things an outsider would misinterpret or perhaps be stumped as to how to attempt to interpret at all.

It's my mind, my tiny chunk of heart and soul. Stay out of it.

Or course, my journal is different. That's just the ramblings of my delusional mind, thinking that telling everything to a book will get my confessions "off my chest" and make everything better. Thinking that there's some imaginary person listening, caring.

My paranoia has been so kind as to gift me with the cruel vision of a stranger reading this and laughing. I think that's probably my biggest fear, being laughed at. Being laughed at when I'm totally serious. I'm such a hypocrite, though, because I do it to other people all the time. The oblivious me just pretends not to notice and srugs it off as another spectacular feat of idiocy.

I can't say I'm tired of being oblivious. I wouldn't know any other way to live. I might be scared of trying to live any other way. They oblivious can at least enjoy their superficial lives while they last. Oblivious, laid-back, anti-conflict... sounds like a person who would simply blend into the background well, huh?

One of the main things that crushed my pride this week: my role in a certain spring musical is _nothing_. I was an idiot for getting my hopes up. Of course, you can guess who got the main roles: Miku got the cute girl, Meiko got the sexy one, and Kaito got the male lead. I told myself I wouldn't hope for anything, wouldn't count on anything, but subconsciously I just kept feeding my ego, weeding out those whom I thought I was better than. I've told three people about how nobody cares about the _ensemble_.

Sure, they're invaluable, but nobody really notices them. Nobody gets famous off of being in the background. Nobody can see talent when it rushes on stage for two seconds and rushes back off. I mean... Miku's famous enough. She had the lead role in the fall play, too, and that wasn't even supposed to be a girl. She made them change the name of the character to be girlier. I'm thinking of just dropping it to satisfy my cracked pride. I've already skipped out on every rehearsal we've had, and tomorrow I'm going to skip out on another. Acting was just fun for me at auditions, but then it was a competition and I lost. Now it's work and the bitter taste of humiliation is still fresh in my mind. My forehead is heavy with rage.

God, I've had such a headache. I hate Tuesdays.

Of course, I've got exams tomorrow, for the rest of the week as well, and yet I feel compelled to be up at all hours of the night writing this. I don't think I care much if I fail miserably. I can't bring myself to care much about anything lately.

By "lately," of course I don't mean the past few days. I mean the past twenty minutes I've been writing this in. Tomorrow I'll be back to the same ignorant, blissful me. I'll push down all the rage and depression, swallow all the hurt and sit on my problems until they build up enough to topple me down once again.

I just don't know. I hate my life lately. I've been drawn into something I despise being in, an accursed daily routine that's feeding off me and my illusion of happiness.

There it is, the line that screams "I'm a teenager and I'm depressed!"

I hate my life. I hate it, I really do.

I'd go so far as to say I hate your life, and you hate your life. You didn't ask to be a book. I'd hate to be a book. I'm pretty sure books can't hate, though, or really do anything of their own free will.

Either way, life is still pretty hateable. I've taken to blaming the universe for everything, because that's just how my mind works lately. Everyone's life is like their own little universe. You can make it up yourself, or you can believe what you're told about it and have it made for you.

Philosophical, huh?

* * *

**Guess I found my muse after all. owo;**

**Also, about the story status... it's always set on complete because it has no real definite plot and I never know if I'm going to continue it at all. =w=; It is a journal, after all, and I have always been horrible at keeping up with journals.  
**


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